As a teenager, I read my fair share of Christian romance novels.
They were full of dramatic plot lines, sexual tension, one room school houses
and Canadian Mounties. The leading men were imperfect but in a tousled and
endearing sort of way. They always knew what to say. All the female characters were
beautiful, but distressed, to ensure the reader plenty of drama. Each story ended
with a sigh.
Today,
women can indulge their romantic side by using Pinterest. They can build relationship
shrines out of images of engagement rings and couple shots and create virtual
collages of attractive men, romantic dates, perfect playlists, and unique
wedding favors. I have seen girls as young as thirteen with these boards. They
are collecting comparisons.
This
magazine says that the right guy will know what his girlfriend wants for
Christmas.
This pastor says that saving sex until marriage ensures a
satisfying and uncomplicated sex-life.
This film is my favorite because he sweeps her off her feet by
showing up at the prom to slow dance with her to her favorite song!
This
salesmen says that when you try on the right wedding dress, you will “just
know” (and probably weep).
This
picture proves that guys can have six-packs. I won’t date anyone unless he has
a six-pack.
This
blogger recommends putting unique date ideas into a jar and pulling one out
every week.
This
TV show contains a highly flawed female character with a perfect boyfriend who
adores her. I will only marry a guy if he accepts my constant moodiness and sass!
Don’t
let yourself off the hook. Replace Christian romance novels and Pinterest with
anything else that may have you building up unrealistic expectations. Maybe
it’s the music you listen to. Does it make romantic love out to be a religion?
Maybe it’s the Nicolas Sparks books you hide under your
desk at work. Is it the pictures your friends post on Facebook of their
seemingly perfect marriages, kids, and family vacations? It could even be the
advice of other Christians. Regardless of their source, the following
relationship lies pose a threat to true contentment:
Lie
#1: You will be happy once you are married.
In
other words, tough luck singles. You’re missing out. Only married people know
what true happiness is.
But
waiting for happiness, whether you are single waiting for marriage, married
waiting for children, or married waiting for your spouse to change, is
idolatrous territory. When we hold our joy captive until we get what we want, a
vicious cycle of discontentment begins. God calls us to be content right now:
Hebrews
13:5:…be content with what you have, for he
has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Even if
your last tweet was a picture of a tub of ice cream, followed by #foreveralone, you have
the opportunity to be content. My dad once cautioned me: You will be as
content as you are right now, three years after you get married. In other
words, if I could learn contentment as a single college student, I could
continue to practice it into marriage, even after the initial excitement had
worn off. Or, I could be discontent with my singleness and eventually
discontent with my marriage.
Lie #2: Love fixes everything
In films, love is the answer. Characters' lives could be
falling apart, their planet on the verge of collapse, until they meet the
one. Suddenly problems vanish. Flames and wreckage fall strategically
around the couple as they embrace. Love is all you need, right?
Real
life is different. Love as he might, a husband cannot always comfort his wife
out of post-partum depression. A wife cannot simply hand her husband confidence
after he loses his job. When we expect our spouse’s love to solve all of our
problems, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Though it sure makes
them easier to endure, love can’t make trials disappear. Love is powerful, not
omnipotent.
Accepting
this leaves less room for disappointment and more room for grace. I often tell
my husband that his hugs are healing. It’s true, too. When my back hurts or my
emotions are ragged, being held by him provides instant comfort. But when he
releases his hug, my back problems aren’t magically gone. I am still exhausted.
My husband hasn't failed me, he just…isn’t God.
Because,
you see, love does fix everything. Christ’s love. It fixes our ultimate
problem of sin and separation from God. Expecting your spouse to be your Savior
ensures discontent. Looking to Christ ensures salvation. He alone can remove
our burdens and take our blame; and not just temporarily, but forever.
Lie #3: You will always “get” each other
Men
seem to be particularly bad at mind-reading. My husband is thrilled when he
can predict my answer to a question. He is thrilled because it is rare. When
I try to read his thoughts, I usually get it wrong as well. I read something
negative into a sigh or something specific into a general comment. Neither of
us are any good at telepathy.
It’s
important to confront this lie because believing it discourages real
communication. When a woman gives her husband the silent treatment to
communicate frustration, she is promoting confusion, not understanding. When a
man makes a passive aggressive comment about his wife leaving her clothes on
the floor, he is not giving her a chance to change. He is just venting his
anger. We need to use our words. He doesn’t know that you hate sundried
tomatoes on your pizza? Tell him. She doesn’t know you like to dance? Tell her.
Maybe
I fail to see the romance in guessing, but I believe it takes more love to
listen well and clearly articulate your thoughts than it does to buy into the
myth that true love “always knows.” True love works hard to know. Maybe some of
those silent signals and passive aggressive comments aren’t worth turning into
real conversation. Or maybe they represent larger issues that need to be
addressed. Maybe your love wishes they knew what your favorite candy was so
they could buy it for you.
Talking
is the new guessing. Try it.
Lie
#4: Love is always romantic and unexpected
Too many
stories end right after the proposal or wedding ceremony. We don’t get
to watch the couple go through life together. We don’t get to see their first
fight, the way they handle money problems, discipline their kids, or how they
deal with illness. As a result, many expect marriage to be just like dating.
This
one requires not just a shift in expectations, but perspective. Our culture’s
definition of “romance” is too narrow. Though marriage does not contain the
fluttery nerves, new cologne, and best manners of a first date, there is a
great deal of romance in the regular. My 90 year old grandpa regularly sets his
alarm clock for 12 a.m. so that he can wake up my diabetic grandmother for her
midnight snack. As a stoic WWII vet and survivor of the Great Depression, he
has never been verbally affectionate. But when I watch him faithfully take
care of his wife in this way, it is more romantic to me than any movie or book.
My
husband and I joke that our honeymoon ended during our actual honeymoon.
After a few romantic days in Monterey, California, we drove my vintage Honda to
Oklahoma. It broke down three times! While we waited for some rare car part in
Shamrock, Texas, my laptop decided to eat its hard drive. On that dusty road
trip with all its breakdowns and disappointments, we got to know each other
better. We practiced serving each other when we were tired. We made each other
laugh when things got rough. If events like sickness and broken cars seem like
romance-killers to you, then they will be. But if you expect real-life
situations to enter and impact your marriage and view them as opportunities to
demonstrate Christ-like love, you have a lot to look forward to.
Lie
#5: Love means never having to change
Girls,
too often I hear you talk about how he needs to “accept you for who you are,”
then in the same breath, recite a list of all the qualities he must possess.
Isn’t this a double-standard? Guys, I have seen you try every which way to impress
the girl before you marry her only to abandon all attempts at wooing after she
says I do. The main problem with this lie is that it is self-focused
instead of Christ-focused.
Self-love
says: I deserve what I want and don’t have to change for anyone.
Christ-like
love says: I deserve eternal punishment but have been given eternal grace. I
will continue to seek new ways to be more like Christ.
Sinners
should enter marriage ready to change. You asked God to mold and refine you
before you were married. Don’t stop just because you have a ring on your
finger!
Our
motivation for changing should always be God’s glory and Christ-likeness.
Christ was a servant. He laid down his life for his sheep (John 10:11). He did
not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage
(Phil. 2:6). He gave of himself when he was exhausted. He cared about people
when they were sick, unlovely, and unpopular. And He did all of these thing for
His Father’s glory. Don’t ask your spouse to put up with biting comments or get
used to your constant moodiness. Ask God to chip away at your sinfulness and
your spouse to forgive you when you sin against them. Seek first His kingdom
(Mat. 6:33) in your marriage.
What
about the person you marry? Elizabeth Eliot said: You marry a sinner. There
simply isn’t anything else to marry. We know that we are sinners. We need
to remember that our spouses are, too. Don’t enter marriage with the
expectation that your spouse will change. Though Christ-like love certainly has
the power to change people, your job is to love your spouse. Think they need to
change? God is the right one to go to for that. He has the power to change
people, so prayer should be our first response. There will be times when we
need to boldly speak the truth in love to our spouse (Eph. 4:12), especially if
they are in sin. But there will be many more times when we are called to show
them love when they haven’t changed. When they have hurt us or let us down. We
need to remember that marriage, though a powerful symbol of Christ’s love for
the church, is imperfect; a shadow of things to come (Col. 2:17).
Defeating
Disappointment
Matthew
6:21 says: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. When
we treasure relationships more than we treasure Christ, our heart belongs to
the creation instead of the Creator (Rom. 1:25). I love being married to my
husband. But if I place him in a spot that only God should occupy, he won’t
ever measure up.
Disappointment
is the gap between reality and expectations. The only way to guard against it
is to worship Christ. He never disappoints. When we fall at His feet, our
relationships and marriages can become what they should be: opportunities to
show love to other undeserving people, just like us.
Written by Rachel Watson (This article also appeared in RELEVANT)
